I keep fancying myself a blogger. I have so many things that I do, so many great new experiences along this weight loss journey that I want to feel that bloggy connection with my fellow loser-bloggers. But it seems that when someone works, is a single parent, and spends 95% of the non-working, non-parenting time working out…where is this time to blog? Seriously!
Life is going on – my battle with the scale is still tangible and daily. I have had two injuries now, one on my right Achilles tendon during a race, and just this week, I injured my left calf while doing jumping jacks with a Jillian Michaels DVD. So, I’ve been trying to just focus on upper body. People keep saying I LOOK like I’ve lost weight, so I can only hope that I’m toning and gaining muscle…but not seeing the numbers change is driving me slightly mad.
The Big D (and I don’t mean Dallas) process is moving forward, though slower than I prefer. Mr. X doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t want the town bicycle that he left me and my daughter for around the kiddo. So he has now gotten a lawyer…yay! I am so ready for this chapter of my life to be over so I can just move on and focus on what is important.
What suddenly prompted me to turn on the blog-machine and post today in the first place? That would be this article from Runner’s World by Lauren Fleshmen, a post about Keeping it Real when it comes to our bodies. Not only does it talk about unrealistic expectations placed on women by television and magazine editing techniques, but it speaks about self-acceptance, and realistic notions of what our bodies are and have the potential to be.
This hits home for me in two ways. First, one of the reasons I started working on losing weight in the first place was that I was never in any photos. I was so petrified of seeing myself on camera that I always was the one holding the camera. I can probably count on two hands the number of photos I have of myself from my 20’s. In 2011, my nephew passed away from cancer. He was married in to the family, so I only knew him for about 3 years, but he was only 5 when he passed. At that time I started gathering photos so that I could create a video for the family. Since his family was large (since he married in to our family, he had his father’s side on top of everyone on our side), I wanted to make sure and include a photo of him with every member of the family. It wasn’t until I started this search that I realized that there was not ONE photo of me and him. Not one. I had actually had a family photo shoot in my backyard with him a year or so before his diagnosis, and had beautiful photos of him, his parents, grandparents, Mr X…but not me.
It was then that I realized that I had let my own self-perception of how awful I look actually become a reality. My body was a wreck, I didn’t WANT to see it photographed, but I also didn’t want to live my life behind a camera and missing out on life. I lost 60 pounds that year, got preggo, gained 60 pounds, and now have lost a total of 80. Suffice it to say, my body has been through the ringer. And that’s how the article today hit home in a second way. I’ve lost 80 pounds, I’m in the best shape of my life, but there is definitely a trail of disaster left behind in the wake of losing so much after decades of being obese. I don’t need to spell it out, I’m sure, but things are definitely not looking so hot when the clothes come off, lol! I’ve already been researching lower body lifts, lift options for the girls (das boobs), and trying to hang that goal out as a carrot to keep myself moving with forward momentum. Will I ever be able to go through with it? Will I be able to afford it? I don’t know…but it is no lie or secret that losing the weight is only the very first step with these types of journeys…there’s a whole lot of layers of mental and flappy-skin baggage that has to be sorted, folded, and put away as well.
So yeah, there you go. I had intended this post to just be a simple photo-update of what all has happened in the last month, but it kind of morphed in to a heavier topic. But one that is usually glossed over I think while the weight loss is happening. Anyone who has had to deal with self-esteem and body issues for years and years and years needs to be prepared to address not only the physical, but mental reason as to what got us all here in the first place. I named my blog Running aWeigh because it was meant to address all of the physical AND mental weight that was weighing me down. Ironically my husband left me a few days later…sometimes we find we were being held back in the places we thought were the safest. I hated every minute of last summer (save a few where my daughter reminded me what I was going on for), but I would not change it. I am so much better…lighter…for it.
Ok, enough with the heavy, let’s end on at least one of my intended photos to lighten the mood!