Keeping it Real, Yo

I keep fancying myself a blogger. I have so many things that I do, so many great new experiences along this weight loss journey that I want to feel that bloggy connection with my fellow loser-bloggers. But it seems that when someone works, is a single parent, and spends 95% of the non-working, non-parenting time working out…where is this time to blog? Seriously!

Life is going on – my battle with the scale is still tangible and daily. I have had two injuries now, one on my right Achilles tendon during a race, and just this week, I injured my left calf while doing jumping jacks with a Jillian Michaels DVD. So, I’ve been trying to just focus on upper body. People keep saying I LOOK like I’ve lost weight, so I can only hope that I’m toning and gaining muscle…but not seeing the numbers change is driving me slightly mad.

The Big D (and I don’t mean Dallas) process is moving forward, though slower than I prefer. Mr. X doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t want the town bicycle that he left me and my daughter for around the kiddo. So he has now gotten a lawyer…yay! I am so ready for this chapter of my life to be over so I can just move on and focus on what is important.

What suddenly prompted me to turn on the blog-machine and post today in the first place? That would be this article from Runner’s World by Lauren Fleshmen, a post about Keeping it Real when it comes to our bodies. Not only does it talk about unrealistic expectations placed on women by television and magazine editing techniques, but it speaks about self-acceptance, and realistic notions of what our bodies are and have the potential to be.

This hits home for me in two ways. First, one of the reasons I started working on losing weight in the first place was that I was never in any photos. I was so petrified of seeing myself on camera that I always was the one holding the camera. I can probably count on two hands the number of photos I have of myself from my 20’s. In 2011, my nephew passed away from cancer. He was married in to the family, so I only knew him for about 3 years, but he was only 5 when he passed. At that time I started gathering photos so that I could create a video for the family. Since his family was large (since he married in to our family, he had his father’s side on top of everyone on our side), I wanted to make sure and include a photo of him with every member of the family. It wasn’t until I started this search that I realized that there was not ONE photo of me and him. Not one. I had actually had a family photo shoot in my backyard with him a year or so before his diagnosis, and had beautiful photos of him, his parents, grandparents, Mr X…but not me.

It was then that I realized that I had let my own self-perception of how awful I look actually become a reality. My body was a wreck, I didn’t WANT to see it photographed, but I also didn’t want to live my life behind a camera and missing out on life. I lost 60 pounds that year, got preggo, gained 60 pounds, and now have lost a total of 80. Suffice it to say, my body has been through the ringer. And that’s how the article today hit home in a second way. I’ve lost 80 pounds, I’m in the best shape of my life, but there is definitely a trail of disaster left behind in the wake of losing so much after decades of being obese. I don’t need to spell it out, I’m sure, but things are definitely not looking so hot when the clothes come off, lol! I’ve already been researching lower body lifts, lift options for the girls (das boobs), and trying to hang that goal out as a carrot to keep myself moving with forward momentum. Will I ever be able to go through with it? Will I be able to afford it? I don’t know…but it is no lie or secret that losing the weight is only the very first step with these types of journeys…there’s a whole lot of layers of mental and flappy-skin baggage that has to be sorted, folded, and put away as well.

So yeah, there you go. I had intended this post to just be a simple photo-update of what all has happened in the last month, but it kind of morphed in to a heavier topic. But one that is usually glossed over I think while the weight loss is happening. Anyone who has had to deal with self-esteem and body issues for years and years and years needs to be prepared to address not only the physical, but mental reason as to what got us all here in the first place. I named my blog Running aWeigh because it was meant to address all of the physical AND mental weight that was weighing me down. Ironically my husband left me a few days later…sometimes we find we were being held back in the places we thought were the safest. I hated every minute of last summer (save a few where my daughter reminded me what I was going on for), but I would not change it. I am so much better…lighter…for it.

Ok, enough with the heavy, let’s end on at least one of my intended photos to lighten the mood!

Life is beautiful!

Life is beautiful!

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Noodles

This week has been a bit crazy, as I’ve felt like I’ve been hungrier than usual! It’s been kind of confusing and annoying…and the scale has been stagnant.

I kind of expected it would…I had a good loss a couple of weeks ago, and my body seems to lose on a 2 week cycle of lose, maintain, lose, maintain…so I’m trying to not focus on the numbers too much. I have started a habit of having a serving of this delicious sinful delight nearly every night…so I’m wondering if I need to cut that out a bit…but it’s so good!

But otherwise, this week has been a bit about noodles! First I had an avocado I needed to eat up, and after looking at a bajillion recipes on pinterest, I found one that I wanted to try. It called for spiral noodles…and I would have made it with zucchini noodles, but I didn’t have any zucchini in the house…but I had some egg noodles, so that’s what I ended up using. It was really tasty, and I ended up eating the leftovers for lunch today.

Avocado and Egg Noodles

Avocado and Egg Noodles

Avocado creamy goodness

Avocado creamy goodness

And then following the noodle theme, last night I made a recipe called Pumpkin Alfredo with Sweet Potato Noodles. I had been looking forward to this one, and I wasn’t dissapointed! The hardest part was figuring out how to cook the sweet potato noodles (the recipe calls for all raw and cold, and I’m not that far in to any kind of “raw” journey yet, lol!). I finally found a website that tells you to steam them, so if you try the recipe and don’t want raw crunchy noodles, just put the noodles over boiling water in one of those steamer thingies for about 10 minutes and they’ll be soft and tasty!

Disclaimer: 2 Sweet Potatoes makes a TON of noodles.

Disclaimer: 2 Sweet Potatoes makes a TON of noodles.

I was a little hesitant if this would be good or not...but it was SO tasty!

I was a little hesitant if this would be good or not…but it was SO tasty!

Finished product! It looks a little less "noodly" after the sweet potato cooks, but to me the texture change was worth it!

Finished product! It looks a little less “noodly” after the sweet potato cooks, but to me the texture change was worth it!

Like I mentioned in the photo, there were a TON of noodles created with this, and with the leftover sauce, I think I’ll be able to eat on this 2 more times at least. I only steamed noodles to eat last night, and I stored the rest in their raw state, that way they don’t get all mushy and weird.

I made it to the gym twice this week, and did a Zumba DVD on Tuesday evening, so I made my 3x during the week goal. My daughter is going to her dad’s apartment (for the first time overnight…I am nervous and conflicted and confused, but that’s another post!) this weekend, so I know I’ll get workouts in on both days. I feel like I’m doing pretty well this week!

Workouts are still with a goal of a lower HR, so elliptical again...this is as interesting a photo of workout results as I could think of, lol!

Workouts are still with a goal of a lower HR, so elliptical again…this is as interesting a photo of workout results as I could think of, lol!

So that is my weekly roundup! Anyone with toddlers…do you have any good meal suggestions for keeping their food as healthy as possible? My dear darling one turned her nose up at both of my noodle creations this week…so I did end up with frozen french fries and chicken nuggets as a meal for her a few times this week. I don’t mind it every once and awhile…but I need more ideas!

She doesn't look picky at all, right!? :)

She doesn’t look picky at all, right!? šŸ™‚

So tomorrow starts the weekend…and dropping my darling off with the estranged husband thing…wish me luck!

Change in the Making

Today at my weekly sanity check (counseling), it was nice to get a lot of things out and off my chest. I won’t go in to details here, because it’s not only my story to share, but suffice it to say it was just another step in this crazy road of trying to figure out who exactly I am now and who I want to be.

I never thought my life would be starting over at 33…I never thought that I would be staring down a fork in the road where one trail leads to divorce and one leads to…well, not much of a marriage I guess, and trying to make a choice.

All that to say, afterwards, I scarfed down some sushi (always a treat and a reward after being declared sane for another week!), and this song kept playing in my head. Apparently it’s nearly 4 years old or so, but I had never heard it until the other day at Zumba. Long story short, the class is taught at a Christian university, so several of the songs are Christian-based, which I rather enjoy. Anyway, when this song played the other day…I literally had to keep from crying right there in class. It’s definitely a mixture of happy and sad tears. I am mournful of some of the things that I feel I’ve lost…and of what I thought of as future certainties that Reagan may be losing…but also fearfully excited of the woman I think I will become as a result.

So anyway, yeah. This.

Seventy

If you turn the way-back machine to 2011, I lost 60 pounds.

I did it by pretty much being an idiot…stupid restrictive eating and liquid diets and over-exercising. I became totally obsessed. It worked really well at the time…it was a time in my life where I needed something to be obsessed about for a while, and it was the first thing that ever had even “worked” for me.

I lost 60 pounds in 6 months…and promptly became pregnant!

And then I gained back 30 pounds…and then had the most beautiful baby on the planet…but then gained another 30 pounds.

One day reality hit me like a biotch in the face. That was the day I (again) saw a very scary number on the scale.

262.2

That was my starting weight in 2011 when I lost stupid weight. I had gone all the way back. To the 10th of a pound, I had gone back.

Since then, I’ve developed some really awesome habits on this latest weight loss journey. It wasn’t about being fast, it was about making changes that I knew I could live with all my life. I have basically cut out all sweets and sugary drinks, but I still have a soda every once in awhile, because you know what? I don’t want to give them up for all of time. I just have to learn to moderate…that is something I have to live with for all of time.

So, the weight came back off, slowly, but steadily and I wasn’t starving myself and developing obsessive habits this time. It took me a year verses 6 months this time, but I was happy with the progress…not to mention I had some giant personal hurdles that should have sent me back to the loving arms of food in a heartbeat. I persevered. But still, there was that magical number hanging over my head…60.

Now don’t misunderstand, I’ve lost over 60 pounds…I’ve had that beat since October or so. BUT, for some reason, I still wanted, yearned to reach that next decade of weight loss…so that I could…I don’t know…FOR REAL be passed where I had gone in 2011.

This morning, I saw a magical number on the scale…down to the 10th of a pound.

192.2

Today I’ve reached 70 pounds lost…exactly! I wish I had taken a picture of it, but I think I was too busy doing a little happy dance in my bathroom.

2011…bad habits…obsessive behavior…stupid marriage issues…turning to food (or wine) for coping…jeez, ALL of 2013… you all can bite me! I so own you.

This is my mean face...or an attempt at one. Do you feel intimidated yet?

This is my mean face…or an attempt at one. Do you feel intimidated yet?